Hello all.
I know I have been MIA and I'm so so sorry.
Reason why?
I'm going through a rough patch.
Hell.
I feel like I'm falling apart in a constructed way... If that makes sense.
I have lapsed recently. But not in the "I give up, I'm going back to my old ways" sense.
I just had a moment of weakness.
I started having feelings that I had before I went to treatment.
Worthlessness.
Guilt.
Pain.
Anxiety.
And I could not seem to get a grip.
I panicked.
And I mistakingly handled it the "only" way I knew how at the time.
I automatically ran to my mom (yes, I'm still attached at the hip to my mommy) and sobbed until I thought I was going to die.
I was so disappointed in myself.
I had made a plan for what to do if I had those feelings, and I didn't follow it.
But guess what?
I'm not giving up.
I am struggling. But I am not letting this control my life again. I refuse to let myself get lost and spiral down in self destruction.
I love myself too much for that.
I value the life I've been given back to me too much.
I want to keep living, and actually loving my life.
Although I may feel down or low sometimes, I know that I can do this, and that I'm the only one who can help me.
My heart aches and the voices in my head constantly work against me. I want to scream and pull my hair out sometimes.
But I'm here. I'm waking up and kicking ass every day. I'm trying. And doing my best.
I love you all.
I promise to keep posting.
Lela.
