Hello all!
Long time no see...
My bad, my bad.
I love the quote I titled this post with.
BECAUSE IT IS ME. 100%.
I can't pretend to like anything, or half-ass anything for that matter.
I pour my heart and soul completely into things and people,
or I check out completely or show no interest whatsoever.
Recently,
I completely gave myself to someone.
Everything.
I was so head over heels.
But sadly,
words and actions did not match up for the person I was in love with.
They changed their mind, like people do.
I am not bitter, angry, or resentful towards this person.
Do I wish they would have handled the situation differently?
Of course.
I ache to have an explanation for being left with no reasoning or words to justify why he felt he didn't have to talk to me about his feelings about our relationship.
Like a lot of people, I have a fear of commitment and abandonment.
I hardly date anyone for a reason.
So when this all happened, I was broken.
At first, I thought about numbing out.
I wasn't used to feeling all the emotions I was feeling because before, I would use cutting or purging to stop the emotional pain going on inside me.
I wanted to numb out so bad.
I hurt everywhere.
I had that lump in my throat and pain in my chest everyone talks about when they lose someone.
I NEVER wanted to feel this way again. I at one point swore off all men and wanted to go live in the mountains with my dog.
I never understood that.
Being heartbroken by something that should have been seen as temporary in the first place.
I am negative when it comes to relationships, not going to lie.
I don't understand how two people can work together for extended periods of time, without killing each other.
But now,
I get it.
That first feeling when you realize you love someone, is the YUMMIEST feeling ever.
Its like laying in a pile of warm, clean laundry in my opinion.
You never want to lose that feeling.
In your mind, no one else can provide that feeling of comfort and security for you.
That's why it hurts so damn bad when you lose the person that made you feel this way, just by looking at you.
I learned that feeling all this pain and heart ache is proof I am doing AMAZING.
I am allowing myself to feel, and heal on my own in a healthy way.
Of course I slip up.
ED is such a bastard.
Heartbreak is awful for anyone.
I don't care who you are.
I don't care how long you were together.
IT HURTS.
Don't let one person completely ruin your light.
Don't lose yourself trying to figure out why it didn't work out with someone.
As cliche as it is, everything really does happen for a reason.
I tell myself everyday, "One day, seeing his car won't bug me, and his name won't make me feel like I got punched in the stomach"
And guess what?
ITS TRUE.
If anyone is struggling with any kind of heartache, don't be afraid to reach out.
Don't feel like your problems are irrelevant in any situation.
Everyone hurts, we are human.
Be patient with yourself,
You will heal.
And you will come back, ready to love and live brighter than before.
You guys are the shit.
I love you.
Thanks for reading.
