Oh hey. It's me. Ms. Lazy.
Sorry for lack of posts lately. I've been crazy busy with treatment and holiday festivities.
Today, I want to talk about something that is incredibly hard for me.
Self-harm.
No, we aren't talking about crazy emo, black make-up, screamo music, self-harm. (Honestly, I don't even know if that's a thing, it just used to be the first things I thought of when I heard self-harm).
We are talking real life pain, that is so excruciating, you can find no way to handle it other than to hurt your own body.
Sounds insane, right?
I used to think self-harm was terrifying. Cutting your own skin? Burning your arms? Ah. No way, I thought. No way will I ever become like that.
Or so I thought.
I had so much internal, intense, hate for myself. I loathed myself.
I just stopped trying entirely. I started showing up to work about 2-3 hours late (Sorry, Justin) and was lucky if I even brushed my hair. Attractive, right?
I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get my shit together. I felt like I tried SO hard, but never met my expectations.
Everything I had worked for my entire life was slipping out of my fingers, right in front of me.
I lost it.
I couldn't stop the voices in my head from controlling me. I felt like I had nothing to try for.
Walking around in a mindless daze all day, trying to not claw my eyes out.
I turned to cutting to manage my anxiety.
How does this happen, one may ask?
I have no idea.
I didn't just sit down one day and decide, "Hey. I think I'm going to cut myself today."
Negative, obsessive thoughts controlled me.
You're a f*** up.
You are fat.
You're such a burden to your family.
Your friends don't even want to talk to you.
Why are you even trying?
You aren't going anywhere in life anyways.
You will never make anyone happy.
You are pathetic.
I wanted this to go away so desperately.
I wanted to get out of my skin, rip away my flesh, start over.
But obviously that wasn't possible.
I soon found that the pain I was causing myself on the outside, felt so much better than the pain I was feeling on the inside.
It became addicting.
A method that seemed to work for me, to help me get through the day.
It started out slow, on my legs.
Soon, I began to run out of areas that weren't completely thrashed on my legs.
So I moved to my arms.
Just when I thought I couldn't get any crazier, I started hitting myself in the head until I saw stars, and pulling out clumps of my hair during anxiety/panic attacks.
This is when I knew I was giving up.
I didn't care if people saw the deep, raw cuts on my arms.
I didn't care about the bald patches that were increasing daily on my head.
I always tried to stay present and calm down before I moved to cutting or self-harm, but it's almost like it began to be a natural reaction to stress for me.
I remember just bawling my eyes out during a horrible night, wondering why the hell I was doing this to myself.
Soon enough, my wonderful mother started to notice, despite my excuses of running into things at work or falling.
I felt terrible for the obvious pain and worry I was causing her, but I couldn't stop.
She put me in therapy right away.
After a few weeks, and a few huge break downs, I had an epiphany.
THIS IS THE ONLY BODY I WILL EVER HAVE.
I started becoming more aware of the stares from people I was getting.
I hated the pity I automatically got from their looks.
I didn't need this, I thought.
Amazingly enough, I was able to stop cutting just through therapy.
It was extremely hard, and I had urges for the longest time.
It was a constant battle for me to either distract myself or give into the temptation.
This subject is so shitty and depressing, I know.
But I don't think people talk about it enough, and that's why it gets so out of control. I know I was SO terrified to tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to think I was insane or psychotic. Because cutting yourself or whacking yourself in the head, well that does sound pretty crazy.
I want everyone to know that this is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
When you are hurting, you will do anything to escape the hell inside of yourself, the demons trying to get you to lose the fight.
Looking back now, I thank God I went through this.
I thank God for my scars.
I thank God for my beautiful mom for sticking by my side through everything.
But mostly, I thank God for helping me realize that I am beautiful and WORTH something.
I have worth. I am here for a reason. And I will not take that for granted ever again.
"Now I'm a warrior, now I've got thicker skin. I'm a warrior, I'm stronger than I've ever been. And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in, I'm a warrior, and you will never hurt me again."
-Demi Lovato
Don't forget to cut yourself some slack- the world is hard enough on everyone as it is, you don't need another source of negative energy.
If anyone EVER needs anyone to talk to about this, or anything else in general, I'm your lady.
Stay strong and remember-
You are beautiful. :)
-Lela
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