"This heart of mine has just two settings; nothing at all or too much. There is no in between."

Hello all!
Long time no see...
My bad, my bad.

I love the quote I titled this post with.
BECAUSE IT IS ME. 100%.
I can't pretend to like anything, or half-ass anything for that matter.
I pour my heart and soul completely into things and people,
or I check out completely or show no interest whatsoever.

Recently,
I completely gave myself to someone.
Everything.
I was so head over heels.

But sadly,
words and actions did not match up for the person I was in love with.
They changed their mind, like people do.

I am not bitter, angry, or resentful towards this person.

Do I wish they would have handled the situation differently?
Of course.

I ache to have an explanation for being left with no reasoning or words to justify why he felt he didn't have to talk to me about his feelings about our relationship.

Like a lot of people, I have a fear of commitment and abandonment.
I hardly date anyone for a reason.

So when this all happened, I was broken.
At first, I thought about numbing out.

I wasn't used to feeling all the emotions I was feeling because before, I would use cutting or purging to stop the emotional pain going on inside me.

I wanted to numb out so bad.
I hurt everywhere.
I had that lump in my throat and pain in my chest everyone talks about when they lose someone.
I NEVER wanted to feel this way again. I at one point swore off all men and wanted to go live in the mountains with my dog.

I never understood that.
Being heartbroken by something that should have been seen as temporary in the first place.
I am negative when it comes to relationships, not going to lie.
I don't understand how two people can work together for extended periods of time, without killing each other.

But now,
I get it.

That first feeling when you realize you love someone, is the YUMMIEST feeling ever.
Its like laying in a pile of warm, clean laundry in my opinion.
You never want to lose that feeling.
In your mind, no one else can provide that feeling of comfort and security for you.
That's why it hurts so damn bad when you lose the person that made you feel this way, just by looking at you.

I learned that feeling all this pain and heart ache is proof I am doing AMAZING.
I am allowing myself to feel, and heal on my own in a healthy way.

Of course I slip up.
ED is such a bastard.

Heartbreak is awful for anyone.
I don't care who you are.
I don't care how long you were together.
IT HURTS.

Don't let one person completely ruin your light.
Don't lose yourself trying to figure out why it didn't work out with someone.
As cliche as it is, everything really does happen for a reason.

I tell myself everyday, "One day, seeing his car won't bug me, and his name won't make me feel like I got punched in the stomach"
And guess what?

ITS TRUE.

If anyone is struggling with any kind of heartache, don't be afraid to reach out.
Don't feel like your problems are irrelevant in any situation.

Everyone hurts, we are human.
Be patient with yourself,
You will heal.
And you will come back, ready to love and live brighter than before.


You guys are the shit.
I love you.
Thanks for reading.

ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THE FOOD OR WEIGHT

Save me from myself.
It sounds strange, doesn't it?
How could you be in danger from your VERY OWN SELF?
I ask myself this a lot, especially when people hear about eating disorders and don't understand that you DO NOT have control over your behaviors to some degree.
Sure, we all make choices.
But if you asked someone without an eating disorder to not eat for a long period of time, or throw up the food in their stomach, they will probably decline the offer.

Nothing bugs me more than when people say "you're so skinny and beautiful, you shouldn't have an eating disorder"
Um well no shit I didn't really ask for one.

ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THE FOOD OR OUR BODIES.
I don't just have an eating disorder because I think I'm fat.
I have anxiety.
I have stress.
I feel worthlessness.
I have self doubt.
I don't have confidence in myself.
I feel inadequate.

So before you go and tell someone with an eating disorder they are being crazy or stupid for doing this because they aren't fat, take in to consideration weight is definitely not the only factor in an eating disorder.

Things trigger people to do certain things.
For example, some of my triggers are large social gatherings or the gym.
The smallest thing could set anyone off to participate in an unhealthy behavior.

This is why identifying triggers can help you learn how to handle them.
Especially with anxiety and stress.

I have been practicing this because I have been triggered by so many things lately, that I had no idea I was even bothered by.

I'm still plugging along. Struggling. But still trying.

Thanks for reading all. :)

So.... This Is A Rough Patch....

Hello all.
I know I have been MIA and I'm so so sorry.
Reason why?
I'm going through a rough patch.
Hell.
I feel like I'm falling apart in a constructed way... If that makes sense.
I have lapsed recently. But not in the "I give up, I'm going back to my old ways" sense.
I just had a moment of weakness.
I started having feelings that I had before I went to treatment.
Worthlessness.
Guilt.
Pain.
Anxiety.
And I could not seem to get a grip.
I panicked.
And I mistakingly handled it the "only" way I knew how at the time.
I automatically ran to my mom (yes, I'm still attached at the hip to my mommy) and sobbed until I thought I was going to die.
I was so disappointed in myself.
I had made a plan for what to do if I had those feelings, and I didn't follow it.
But guess what?
I'm not giving up.
I am struggling. But I am not letting this control my life again. I refuse to let myself get lost and spiral down in self destruction.
I love myself too much for that.
I value the life I've been given back to me too much.
I want to keep living, and actually loving my life.
Although I may feel down or low sometimes, I know that I can do this, and that I'm the only one who can help me.
My heart aches and the voices in my head constantly work against me. I want to scream and pull my hair out sometimes.
But I'm here. I'm waking up and kicking ass every day. I'm trying. And doing my best.
I love you all.
I promise to keep posting.


Lela.

A Letter To My Body

Dear Body,
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry for treating you like something that is disposable.
I'm sorry for all the late nights, and early mornings.
I'm sorry for the times I made you purge 30+ times a day.
I'm sorry for hating you beyond words.
I'm sorry for not loving you and appreciating you.
I'm sorry for all the harsh words and thoughts about you.
I'm sorry for all the cuts, punches, and burns you had to endure.
But most of all, I'm sorry for making you feel like you aren't beautiful.

So, Body, I wanted to thank you.

Thank you for being MY body.
Thank you for providing me with energy to conquer my days.
Thank you for allowing me to do the things I love.
Thank you for having a HOT ASS BOOTY!
Thank you for bouncing back from any horrible thing I did to you.
Thank you for being so beautiful.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
Thank you for being the only body I will ever have.

Love,
Me.


I think it's easy for all of us to forget just how lucky we are to have the bodies that we do. We put so much stress on our bodies and never take time to relax, and give ourselves a break. We only get one, amazing, beautiful body. And that one body does SO much for us.
Its amazing to think how the body can heal itself, and survive crazy 12 hour work days on 4 hours of sleep.
I think my body is pretty damn awesome if  I do say so myself.
Take time to thank your body and really think about how you are treating it.
It's your best friend, your constant companion.
It deserves to be thanked,


Have a good day!

-Lela

I Am Wonderful

So this past week I have been working on having more positive thoughts.

Easy enough, right?

HELL TO THE NAW.

Not only was I having negative thoughts about myself, but other people as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can say that you don't judge people.

But that's a load of crap.

We all do, even if we don't mean to. 

Like I've said before, life sucks. We shouldn't make it harder for anyone.

I started doing this thing when I'm getting ready.

I look in the mirror and say:

"You are beautiful.

 You are loved.

  You are wonderful

And you are a complete bad ass."

You may think I'm kidding. But I really do.

I felt like a crazy person when I first did this.

But then, amazingly,

IT STARTED WORKING.

Now when I repeat this chant to myself,

I truly feel it.

I want to stand on the roof and scream it to my neighbors.

Well not really.

Heights are scary.

BUT STILL.

I used to seek this feeling from other people through physical interaction or empty, meaningless conversation.

Being able to love yourself has to be the best feeling.

I strive for it.

I crave it.

And I will do whatever I can to stay strong and kick my eating disorder's sorry ass to the curb.

"Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars, seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing, it's okay not to be okay." 

-Jessie J

Love yo self, you pretty people.

-Lela 

"I Like The Idea That Someone, Somewhere, Is Made For You-Forever"

Disclaimer:
I know absolutely nothing about love or relationships.
This is just my personal experiences and thoughts.
So don't take my advice or words to the grave.

I can say I've only had one serious relationship my whole life. And it honestly wasn't that serious, but it's all I can claim for a relationship.
Of course I've had flings, or "almost" relationships.

But here's the thing.

COMMITMENT.
I can't.
Well I couldn't.
Well.
I didn't want to.
Why would I let someone into the deepest parts of my heart, knowing they have the power to tear me to pieces?
Why would I want to be vulnerable and trust someone completely?
Seemed impossible to me at the time.

I also had the "I'm so messed up no one would ever love me" mindset.
Which ultimately made me hurt worse.
I would cling to any sort of affection, or even attention.

I wanted to be saved.
Guess what?

NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU BUT YOURSELF.
We all want to find someone who can change our lives, and help us through whatever we are going through. Which is definitely possible.
But we can't expect someone to take all our problems and make them magically disappear.
We have to help ourselves before we can help anyone else.

Plus, how unfair is it to expect someone to fix us?
I used to use people up completely, until they had nothing left to give me, then wonder why they walked away from me.

WELL DUH.
Relationships are not easy as it is.
Making sure you're in a healthy place, body and mind, is incredibly important.

You can't feed the hungry with empty cupboards, as they say.

Also, if someone can't handle your problems, kick them to the curb.
We all are messed up in some sort of way.
The people who really love you will stick around no matter how tough it may be.
Just don't push them, or test them, to make them prove their love for you.
There is nothing more unfair.

I know when I've been in a bad place, all I want is to be loved.
But I usually go for equally emotionally unavailable people, which causes more pain than comfort.

The last person I was romantically involved with really showed me how trusting your gut is ultimately the most important thing.
I KNEW that this person was not looking for a serious relationship nor were they capable of giving me the things I needed.
But I thought it was just me, not trying hard enough.
So I did everything I could to keep this person around, although my attempts failed.
Forgetting plans.
Not following through.
Half-assed conversation.
It was all so draining for me.
I had to take a step back and realize I was only going to end up in even more pain than I was in at the time.

Of course, this sucked.
But I know I deserve so much better.
I shouldn't have to feel like I'm competing to have someone.
NO ONE SHOULD.

If you ever feel like you are burning yourself out trying to make someone else happy, walk away. No matter how hard it may be, you will be so thankful you did.

Life is about finding meaningful relationships.
I love people.
I thrive off of human interaction.
But I also know when to cut off toxic people.
There is nothing wrong with keeping your distance from people who aren't benefitting your life in any sort of way.

I can't wait until the day I fall in love and want to post cheesy, embarrassing, kissy, Instagram posts.

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world. But you do have some say in who hurts you."
-John Green


Thanks for reading. I love you all!

-Lela

Is It Possible To Have A Mid-Life Crisis At 19?

Hello all.
Once again, it's been a crazy busy time for me.
My grandfather passed away last Sunday, and I made a huge decision not to return to Hesston College.

Why, you may ask?
I have spent my whole life trying to make other people happy. I've never taken my own feelings or wants into consideration. This, is a recipe for destruction.
Going to Hesston seemed perfect for me.
I would be rooming with my best friend.
I would be playing softball.
And I would be getting an education.

But I had this overwhelming feeling that I was making a wrong decision.
Then it clicked.
I was going because everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea.
I never even stopped to think, do I really want this?
When I finally did, I realized;
HOLY SHIT.
I do not want this.
I am not going to make other people happy.
This is my life.
And I can do whatever I want with it.

Of course, there is going to be trials and feelings of regret.
But there will be with any decision in life.
I want to be happy.
I want to be successful.
But losing my sanity is not worth making others happy.

Go ahead, tell me I've made a horrible decision.
I. Do. Not. Care.

I am starting to live my life for myself, and that's the best thing I could ever do.

I think we all get caught up in what is expected of us.
People go on missions cause their parents want them to.
People play sports they hate because their friends are on the same team.
People work jobs they absolutely loathe because their family expects it.

Life is tough enough as it is.
You may as well do the things you love, despite what everyone else wants of you.
You are your own person.
This is your only life.
Don't spend it wishing you could be doing something else.

Ignore people who think they know what's best for you.
Of course, advice and insight can be incredibly helpful.
But you know yourself better than anyone else.
Don't forget that.

Happy Friday, all!
Mwah.
-Lela