"I Like The Idea That Someone, Somewhere, Is Made For You-Forever"

Disclaimer:
I know absolutely nothing about love or relationships.
This is just my personal experiences and thoughts.
So don't take my advice or words to the grave.

I can say I've only had one serious relationship my whole life. And it honestly wasn't that serious, but it's all I can claim for a relationship.
Of course I've had flings, or "almost" relationships.

But here's the thing.

COMMITMENT.
I can't.
Well I couldn't.
Well.
I didn't want to.
Why would I let someone into the deepest parts of my heart, knowing they have the power to tear me to pieces?
Why would I want to be vulnerable and trust someone completely?
Seemed impossible to me at the time.

I also had the "I'm so messed up no one would ever love me" mindset.
Which ultimately made me hurt worse.
I would cling to any sort of affection, or even attention.

I wanted to be saved.
Guess what?

NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU BUT YOURSELF.
We all want to find someone who can change our lives, and help us through whatever we are going through. Which is definitely possible.
But we can't expect someone to take all our problems and make them magically disappear.
We have to help ourselves before we can help anyone else.

Plus, how unfair is it to expect someone to fix us?
I used to use people up completely, until they had nothing left to give me, then wonder why they walked away from me.

WELL DUH.
Relationships are not easy as it is.
Making sure you're in a healthy place, body and mind, is incredibly important.

You can't feed the hungry with empty cupboards, as they say.

Also, if someone can't handle your problems, kick them to the curb.
We all are messed up in some sort of way.
The people who really love you will stick around no matter how tough it may be.
Just don't push them, or test them, to make them prove their love for you.
There is nothing more unfair.

I know when I've been in a bad place, all I want is to be loved.
But I usually go for equally emotionally unavailable people, which causes more pain than comfort.

The last person I was romantically involved with really showed me how trusting your gut is ultimately the most important thing.
I KNEW that this person was not looking for a serious relationship nor were they capable of giving me the things I needed.
But I thought it was just me, not trying hard enough.
So I did everything I could to keep this person around, although my attempts failed.
Forgetting plans.
Not following through.
Half-assed conversation.
It was all so draining for me.
I had to take a step back and realize I was only going to end up in even more pain than I was in at the time.

Of course, this sucked.
But I know I deserve so much better.
I shouldn't have to feel like I'm competing to have someone.
NO ONE SHOULD.

If you ever feel like you are burning yourself out trying to make someone else happy, walk away. No matter how hard it may be, you will be so thankful you did.

Life is about finding meaningful relationships.
I love people.
I thrive off of human interaction.
But I also know when to cut off toxic people.
There is nothing wrong with keeping your distance from people who aren't benefitting your life in any sort of way.

I can't wait until the day I fall in love and want to post cheesy, embarrassing, kissy, Instagram posts.

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world. But you do have some say in who hurts you."
-John Green


Thanks for reading. I love you all!

-Lela